The Rules for Dating
these rules while I was in a relationship. Interestingly, after my partner died
I found that I broke half of them. Go figure.
So now, I have added in red what I currently think.
1) As much as possible try to choose persons who have something in common with
you besides being gay.
2) Insist that most of the time you share dinner and entertainment expenses. If
you do not, then one of you will be taking advantage of the other.
But then, most of the persons that I was interested in made far less than I, and
being a generous person, I insisted on paying especially when I took my date to
a very fine restaurant. This was not a case of someone taking advantage of me.
It was a case of wanting to have the finer experiences without placing the other
person at disadvantage.
3) Take note that a relationship that does not develop sparks between the two of
you inside 3 months will probably not ever develop that way. A genuine
discussion of desires for the relationship should take place at that time to
assess whether it merits being continued. We all have friends. When we are
dating we are looking for a lover and/or a spouse.
We have all me people that we really fall "head over heels for" but for whom the
feeling is just not reciprocal. You are "beating a dead horse" by going on.
4) Needy people will drag you down. Avoid them. Avoid being one of them. Get a
therapist. Spend your money on fixing yourself before you try to "get fixed up"
with someone else.
5) Do not get involved with a straight person. Straight people sometimes want to
know "what it is" to be gay so they "try" it out. Mark my words. They always go
back to the straight life. They will break your heart.
I still suspect that this is true. However, the question of what a straight
person is comes up. So many men and women marry and have children at an early
age because it is the thing to do. Then before they can catch their breath after
their children are teenagers or beyond, they suddenly realize that they are not
happy. Some are unhappy because they are no longer in love with their spouses.
Others are unhappy because they realize that they never were. And I suspect some
are just happy but rejected by their spouses.
And so it begins, the new evaluation of ones self. Who am I? What do I want? And
sometimes these people fall in love with the same sex. Really in love! Is this
person straight and then suddenly gay? Or is this person truly bisexual? Or was
the person always gay and then realized it later in life? And does it matter?
I think that the real question is can the person behave in a mature manner
dealing with their current responsibilities and still offer themselves in a
committed way to someone new regardless of gender? If so, then go for it!
And can you accept, with patience, the patently difficult times ahead?
especially if there are children? Can you deal with the back lash of disapproval
that is bound to be heaped on you by their family? (It is all your fault he/she
has turned gay!)
Just a few things to think about.
6) Drugs are usually the ruination of any relationship.(Excessive use)
7) While sex is not everything, your relationship can not last without it in
some form otherwise you are just friends.
There are many forms of sex. I was talking to a friend who said kissing was not
sex but a therapist said lots of things are sex. Our president had an
interesting view of what sex was. I can tell you that having been with a person
who was sick and unable to have what most call orgasmic sex, one can still have
a sexual relationship. Touching, kissing, hugging in different forms are all
8) Since sex is not everything, your relationship can not evolve without some
other kinds of mutual interests.
But then if you do not care if it evolves...
9) Learn all you can about the other persons prior relationships. A person in
their mid thirties or forties who has never been able to stay in a relationship
for any length of time may never be able to stay in one.
Some people who have been in lengthy relationships and tried new relationships
may have reached a point in which they do not want to try any more to have a
relationship with anyone. They have given up. You may have to back off from this
10) Find who did the breaking up in the other person's relationships. A person
who has had a long string of relationships in which either they were always
dumped or they always did the dumping is a red flag. They may need counseling or
be unable to maintain a commitment. Either way there will be a lot of "baggage"
to deal with.
11) The person you are dating should have a job. Check this out first.
If the person has a habit of going from one job to another this may be a warning
sign that they can not get along with the employer or other people.
12) The person you are dating should have an education commensurate with yours.
Or the person should not resent your having a higher education.
Or the person should not put you down for having a lesser education.
The fact is that this issue is one that comes up in many fights when one or the
other starts slinging "arrows".