Steps in accepting my sexuality
It was in
February of 1989, that I decided to finally take the steps in accepting my
sexuality. I knew for many years that I was gay, but I never knew what steps to
take from that point.
Unfortunately, this revelation didn't come with an instruction manual. (People
know how I am with reading books, anyway. Halfway through it I would have gotten
restless and decide to "wing it".) What a scary thought. "Hey lets just jump out
there and see what happens!! " At THAT point in my life, I would not have dared.
I was living at home still and having to deal with a controlling parental
situation. (Okay so it was abusive...but that's another web page. ) I couldn't
bring home any gay literature, as my room was searched daily, for god k nows
what, by my neurotic mother. And if anything with the word "Gay" on it had been
found, it would have been an ugly situation.
I hadn't expressed my true feelings to any of my friends, so as far as I knew
then, I had no outside support. Later I realized that I was wrong. I still have
those very friends today, and they continue to be a big part of my life. ( I
think that they're just waiting to be a part of a lesbian wedding. *giggle* )
At first I called a local Lesbian Information number. It was a recorded message
so I was okay with just that step. I just had to listen and not have to say a
word. (This was good! Listen to the lesbian.....listen to the lesbian. Yep this
WORKED! ) But after weeks of listening to the same monotone voice I knew that I
I toyed with the idea of calling the local Gay and Lesbian Community Center, but
I was so paranoid of being discovered that it took me a LONG time to get the
guts to do it. Why it took me so long was nothing but a humorous mess of excuses.(The
phone might have been tapped...or they just were SAYING they were a Gay and
Lesbian Community Center, but they were REALLY these people that find out where
you live, and announce it to your family at Thanksgiving, " Guess what? SOMEBODY
here is a LESBIAN! Could you please pass the cranberry sauce? " ) It's amazing
what you can come up with when your faced with the issue of contacting other
people that are just like yourself for the very first time.
An example of what I do not recommend anyone doing:
Nervous Individual Questioning Their Sexuality: <[dialing gay and lesbian
Hard Working Volunteer Giving Up Free-time to Help Others: Hello? Dallas Gay ..
N.I.Q.T.S: [dialing gay and lesbian community center, again ]
H.W.V.G.U.F.T.H.O. : Hello? Dallas Gay and Lesbian Al ...
See the pattern here people? Don't do this to these wonderful individuals! Just
talk. Ask questions. They are there to lend support. And they won't bite........well
unless you're into that kind of thing. ;)
Needless to say, I am glad that I made the call, and didn't hang up.... well
okay so MAYBE I did a couple of times. But I DID eventually speak to someone and
they helped me get involved with an excellent gay and lesbian youth organization.
I went to weekly meetings and soon became an officer. We held charity events,
garage sales, marched in gay pride parades, and even held the obligatory BAKE
SALE. ( Now what organization hasn't had the honor of pushing cookies for mo ney??
It was a great learning and growing experience that gave me the courage to face
myself and to be honest about my sexuality. It helped me face the questions that
I would endure, when coming out to my parents. ( Well they actually fou nd my
phone list for the youth group and put two and two together. OOOPS! I mean what
parent wouldn't think that something was up after finding a large piece of paper
titled, "Dallas Gay and Lesbian Young Adults", with their kids phone number on
it? Th ats not hard to figure out, ya know? But eventually I had to face them
and answer about it. ) But needless to say I survived it, and because of my
honesty, I have a closer bond with my father than I have ever had. He supports
me and is happy to se e me get involved with the community. Who knows, if my mom
were alive she may be proud of me too. (OKAY so THAT'S pushing it.)